THE TROUBLE WITH PANTYHOSE

The trouble with pantyhose is that they are just that-TROUBLE. For women everywhere getting a pair of pantyhose is like trying to purchase the “impossible dream” for $6.95.
Statistics lie especially the ones on pantyhose packages. For example: Size A fit’s the petite woman. The only woman I know that can fit in size A is my daughters Barbie doll. Size B starts out a little better. This size will get as far as your ankles before it runs out of stretch. At that point you’ll read the instructions that say,” grasp firmly at the ankles and pull”. What they didn’t tell you is that size B thinks they are ankle tourniquets not pantyhose. So---because your blood is not circulating from your ankles to your head trying to get these things to your waist will not be easy. Size C is for those who have survived size A and B. I call these the politician pantyhose. They promise to do something for everyone. They promise to fit all. They just keep stretching and stretching. The last pair I bought came up over the top of my head so I tied a bow. They certainly didn’t do much for the sexy image I was trying to create. Men do not usually pay compliments to a stuffed laundry bag that walks.
I decided to pass up the more talented types of pantyhose. You know the ones I mean. They promise to hug you, hold you in and give you that all day massage. I figured that they would be so busy showing off that they would forget to stay on my legs.
I did bite on the ones that claim to be tailor made for my figure. These even had memory. If they would just remember to stay on my legs I’d be in great shape. These hose along with having memory were shifty. They felt fine for the first half hour. They gave the tailor enough time to cash my check and for me to get to work. Trust me, the tailor was having a good time and I was in labor and not even pregnant. You haven’t suffered until you are stuck for eight hours in pantyhose that just don’t fit.
My next move was to write a letter to the pantyhose company. I explained my problem and gave them my measurements. They wrote back and told me to be patient. They were working on a new line for people that had problem figures like mine. All I had to do was by Size D guaranteed to fit me as well as overweight gorillas.
So what if they finally found the solution. Look at all the pain they’ve caused. That’s no consolation for women right now trying to wrestle pantyhose past their toes, poke eye holes in the extra long ones or trying to remain calm and regal while a waistband is making its debut from under the hem of a evening gown.
I’m the first one to admit my figure is far from perfect but these pantyhose companies need to take a class in anatomy. Most people’s feet do go in the same direction. The last pair I bought didn’t agree. One foot was coming and the other one going. The directions said,” twist in place”. It’s not easy to twist a perfectly healthy foot 360 degrees when its still attached to a leg.
I now recommend that anyone who wears pantyhose to give them a trial run before they go to work. It is well worth the effort, kind of like living with them before you make the final decision. A good test would be if you can do ten cartwheels in succession, jump rope over a couple of hedges, tap dance on top of a bus, and if you can ride your neighbors German Shepard side saddle around the block they probably will fit. Lucky you!